Jun 03 2014
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Dance Like Everyone Is Watching

snap (1)My daughter had her first dance recital this weekend; she’s four. I loved watching her and all of the students get out on the big stage with the bright lights shining onto them, facing a huge crowd of over a thousand people. They danced their hearts out for us; well… some just stood there watching their classmates. And, some forgot their steps. Some were off-beat. But, all were perfect.

Yes, perfect.

Why? Because they were perfect for exactly where they were supposed to be with what they were supposed to know given their experience and training—or lack thereof—to date. Perfect for who they were and where they were.

Contrast that with my youth where, by the time I was jealous of all of my friends in sports and dance and theater, I was simultaneously too embarrassed to start from the beginning. I was all too aware of my clumsiness and awkwardness to submit myself to the torture that would be—GASP!—making a mistake.

There are many things I never started and to this day I regret robbing my younger self of those opportunities.

How often do we put too much pressure on ourselves to achieve perfection and not nearly enough pressure on ourselves to start? How often is the fear of learning something new greater than the joy of it? How often is our own stage fright robbing us of a standing ovation?

My daughter was one of the ones who danced a few seconds behind the more experienced girls. She didn’t care; in fact, I’m pretty sure she didn’t even notice. To her, it was about the experience and the experience was fun.

When I asked her if she wanted to dance again next season she responded with an emphatic grin and nod. She’s not painfully aware of missing her steps; she’s not self-conscious; she’s not afraid of starting. And if I have any influence, she will never learn those things.

It’s time we dance like everyone is watching. Time we get out there on the big stage, under the bright lights, in front of the big crowd. Because we’ll have a lot more fun than those who stayed home. And when we’re done, we might even be willing to do it all over again.

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Apr 01 2014
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She said ‘Yes’

I have this amazing opportunity in front of me. However, taking it means giving up one of the projects on which I am currently working—which I love. In fact, I love it so much when I was approached about this other opportunity I informed them that I likely wasn’t interested.

My personal philosophy has always, but especially lately, been to be a “yes-[wo]man”. I believe this so whole-heartedly because I’m convinced that our subconscious minds are constantly working on our behalf, in a Secret-y, Law of Attraction-esque way we are searching for the answers—and solutions—to our souls biggest dreams.

In doing that we are drawn to those solutions even though they don’t always present themselves as solutions. In fact, sometimes they present to us as problems, inconveniences and nuisances. Because of this trickery, I have a personal policy to always say ‘yes’.

(Note: I realize there are some people that can’t say ‘no’ and so they become pushovers bombarded and bogged-down with ‘yeses’, and while that is a problem, I think saying ‘no’ too frequently is a greater epidemic. In the case of the aforementioned, time-management, setting boundaries, and understanding that guilt is poison are the oft real issues but that’s a post for another day.)

So, because of my Policy of Yes, I was very upfront with my suitors that I am always open to having a conversation but that I wasn’t sure that I could take on both projects with adequate attention, therefore, I may not be the right person for them. If, on that basis, they wanted to continue the conversation, I would be delighted.

And the conversation was had.

I was actually very intrigued.  And because of some other factors in my life, it actually makes more sense than I would have given credence to two months earlier. Oh, and I’d be damn good at it.

However, I kept finding myself wallowing in this pit of sadness. Feeling like if I changed directions I failed. And if I stayed put I was shooting myself in the foot—the proverbial damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t.

But then something dawned on me. The other side of the damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t coin is blessed-if-you-do, blessed-if-you-don’t. For the first time on this particular journey and maybe in my life, I realized that I really do win either way. This is literally—and I don’t use the word ‘literally’ lightly—a win-win!

I am still scared. Believe me. It’s scary but if we are not scared, we aren’t growing. And if we aren’t growing we aren’t helping ourselves or those around us. See, we need to be evolving, improving, enriching in order to help others do the same. Stagnation is death (think: bed sores, the slowest zebra in the pack, moss overtaking the pond—sorry for the imagery, I suppose I could have just said ‘literally’).

If you aren’t scared, you are comfortable; and comfortable people are rarely at the top, living their dream.

reaching_the_summit copyUpon this realization, I felt a huge sense of peace wash over me. In finding peace we are free to try our hardest and know it still might not work out but that we are better for the effort, improved for having the opportunity.

And if we win, what a blessing.

How are you blessed-if-you-do, blessed-if-you-don’t? Are you ready to be a ‘yes-[wo]man’?

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Mar 31 2014
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The 10-minute List

You can’t make more time–I’ve tried–but you can use the time you have a little bit better.

I’ve talked about Power Hours many times before. In my opinion, it’s the single best way to maintain a high level of consistent achievement. But how do you get their if you are falling into the procrastination doom-spiral?

I’m one of those people who tends to freeze when I feel overwhelmed. If something feels daunting, then better to take my mind off the problem altogether with mind-numbing social media or by binge-watching Netflix than to face and solve the problem. This is my nature, my default state.

This is a problem for me—or it can be if I don’t address it.

Well, now I have a new way to address it. Not so much new as in different, but new and improved. Like ketchup or something, it’s already kickass but it’s now kickass-ier, with real sugar or non-GMO tomatoes or whatever.

Back to making Power Hours more kickass-ier. As I have talked about before, I traditionally recommend Power Hours in three blocks of 20-minute segments, two times per day, for a total of six segments. This works for a lot of reasons I have mentioned so I won’t rehash.

The problem is it doesn’t work for the person, also like me sometimes, who is feeling overwhelmed, feeling like the goal is too big or frankly just not feeling like doing it.

(I know I shouldn’t admit that there are lots of times I just don’t feel like doing something.  I know there are people out there who haven’t had an out-of-discipline experience, but frankly, I’m not talking to those people—or if I am it’s to help them understand the people like me who don’t come perpetually disciplined. This is for the rest of the worthwhile, talented individuals who occasionally struggle with motivation, and those who lead them.)

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Ya, dishes and laundry are the domestic hot-potato in my home. #Embarrassing

So, again, back to making Power Hours more kickass-ier. Here is my list, here is one sliver of one fraction of what I need to do today. I have been procrastinating on my taxes, well, for months now. I know it’s a job that’ll probably take me a couple hours. Laundry, that’s just a given at my house. There is never a time laundry doesn’t need to be done. The next three are for a consulting project I am working on; it’s a fairly substantial project about to take 50-plus hours. I have got about five in, and would likely leave the last 40 or so for the weekend before the deadline… if it weren’t for this trick.

  1. Set my phone timer for 10 minutes.
  2. Dive into starting whatever is first on the list—like a sprint. Go!
  3. Because it’s only 10 minutes, I start swiftly, like ripping off a Band-Aid knowing full-well the Band-Aid will be off soon enough and I can go back to Words with Friends. Just kidding. Sort-of.
  4. Timer goes off.
  5. I keep going because I am in the middle of something important.
  6. Often the task gets completed in its entirety (depending on the scope) and always I get further than I would have.
  7. Feel accomplishment. Relief. It’s over.
  8. Tackle the next thing on the list (BECAUSE IT’S ONLY FOR 10 MINUTES!)

That’s it.

No magic. No brain-surgery. No super-human powers or Spidey-sense required.

Just a list. A list of deconstructed issues I need to tackle. The key is two-fold:

  1. The list needs to be bigger than a simple task such as “call the plumber” because, at least in theory, that isn’t a multi-faceted issue to be addressed. Although, you will see, I do have “dishes” on my list, and there is nothing complex about that (i.e. empty the dishwasher, load it, and wash any that don’t fit) but I detest it enough that I can easily put it off for hours if I don’t address it formally. This isn’t a to-do list as much as it’s a list of issues to be addressed (and I assure you, in my house, dishes are issues). Just use your good sense, you know what’s an issue for you.
  2. Be willing to stop when your timer goes off. This is probably more important than the first point. It is in this willingness that the fear of starting disintegrates. It is in the fear disintegrating that we start. And it is in starting that we realize it’s not so bad and often-times keep going. But we must be okay with stopping. No pressure. No guilt.

That’s all that needs to be done: A list of important task somewhere between not-overly-simple and not-overly-complex and the acceptance of only subjecting yourself to that “horror” for 10-minutes. Allow the feeling of accomplishment sink in. Lather, rinse, repeat. Or don’t. But do bask in the feely-good-feelings of getting that list out of the way.

If you want to take it to the next level as I will with my “Tax” item, which obviously is more than a 10-minute endeavor (although I spent 20 or more), you can break it out further next time. So my list for tomorrow will say “Receipts”, “Donations”, “Mileage” as these are the next steps that I identified missing from my pile-o-taxes today. But headed into today, I didn’t even know what I had gathered and what was missing. And I wasn’t making any progress starting to look for it.

The 10-minute list trick gave me the motivation to start with the peace of knowing I could stop.

I believe that’s part of the psychology of procrastination and fear. We procrastinators build up in our heads—some based on reality, some not-so-much—the pain that doing something is going to cause. Scenarios like “It’s going to take forever”, “it’s so horrible” and the like pervade our consciousness until that’s all we can see making the whole project much more daunting than it really is.

That’s why the 10-minute rule works: because even the most wildly abusive torture can be endured for 10-minutes. And then usually in that time we realize it wasn’t that hard or horrible. And once we are at that point we are already victorious. Regardless of if it was or it wasn’t, we have accomplished more than we would have had we not started.

What’s been haunting the back of your mind for some weeks now? What tasks and goals can you chip away with today by using the 10-minute list?

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Mar 04 2014
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Are your words magic?

81cec8bd-7b86-42d2-877b-1972f9ad939bThe other day, with a cookie up for grabs, a family friend asked my precocious, four-year-old daughter what were the magic words. My daughter’s response: “bippity, boppity, boo!”

Not only is this a sign we watch too many princess movies, but it illustrates two salient points about human communication. One, the quality of the answers we get is directly proportionate to the quality (and relevance) of the questions we ask. And two, the answers given will largely depend on the perspective of the giver.

Let me talk first about quality. Quality is a funny word. What does it really mean—I mean really mean? I had a marketing professor who would shoot students the stink-eye if one were to refer to a brand as representing “quality”. Why? Because quality means many things to many people.

Quality, as found on Google, means “the standard of something as measured against other things of a similar kind; the degree of excellence of something”.

Well what things? How Similar? How many degrees?

Because we can’t know, and because those value assessments are themselves assigned arbitrary weights, quality, then is arbitrary.

So much for quality questions, right?

Wrong. Because what we do know is that questions like “what can I help you find today” don’t bring a quality response. When someone asks you that at Macy’s or on the car lot what do you respond? Let me guess…wait for it… “Nothing, just looking, thanks”.

Was I close?

Questions that are tired, like the aforementioned; questions that are self-serving like “what would it take to get you into that car today?”; questions that are pushy, insincere or too leading are all the antithesis of quality.

Now that we know what quality isn’t, what could it be? We can start with the opposite; words like unassuming, sincere, mutually beneficial, unattached to the outcome, and truth-seeking are all solid.

But quality questions also sound different. Quality questions are direct. They have no blame or judgment in them. Quality questions have a purpose. Even the tone of a quality question is nurturing (but never patronizing) in nature, especially when discussing difficult, important or sensitive topics.

In the case of the fairy-godmother-incarnate, a better question may have been “how can you ask that using your manners?” In the case of the car lot, it might be “what kind of cars would you consider test-driving this afternoon?” or “you probably aren’t interested in test-driving anything today, are you?” That last one had a little jiu-jitsu thrown in for good measure, but you can see that they are both immediately disarming and different. They ask about the truth and don’t speak in cliché.

And how about perspective? In the car example, what is the prevailing perspective of a driver pulling into a car lot? Typically, it’s one of mistrust with a chaser of “hold-my-cards-close-to-the-vest”. The perspective of the buyer is “I’ve got to get you before you get me” and that paradigm serves no one. While we can’t change how the buyers look at something, we can change what they look at.
perspective

It reminds me of this visual to the right: are you showing someone the round end or are you showing them the curved side (which actually appears square)? Are you showing them what you want to show them or what they want to see? Are you asking questions in a way that’s comfortable for you or that works for the other party?

As my daughter is concerned, her experience of “magic words” extends exclusively to Cinderella, so of course she nailed it with her response. Are your clients, coworkers, employees, etc. not giving you the answers you want because they are hearing your words differently based on their unique perspective? Presumably, if you have any friction with any person for any reason, the answer to that question is a resounding ‘yes’.

Knowing you can’t change what they hear, you must change what you say to be relevant and resonant to them. We can debate that “communication is a two-way street” and we would technically be correct. However, I am reminded of my favorite Dr. Phil-ism: “Do you want to be right or do you want to win?”

If winning the effective communication game (i.e.: earning respect, getting what you want—ethically, having followers who follow you by choice, so on and so forth) is your goal, then the onus is really on you  to change the picture you are presenting with each and every question you ask.

You see, words really are magic. But as my daughter taught me, which words will depend on who you are asking.

*Warning: No car salesmen were harmed in the writing of this article.

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Mar 01 2014
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How to get what you want

Do you need something from someone?

If you’re in sales; if you’re looking for a job; if you are seeking advice, money or anyone’s time for  anything—then the answer is a definite ‘yes’.

Too often I ‘m approached by, or see others approached, by someone who communicates in a way that is not conducive to actually getting anything.

So how do you communicate effectively in order to get what you in fact want?

It all starts with showing your respondent that you are willing to be flexible and provide two-way value; then doing so without arm-twisting.  By and large, people want to know ‘what’s in it for me?’ They don’t want to get duped, and they don’t want their valuable time squandered.

However, this isn’t just about spinning the conversation so you look like you are putting their needs first, which is altogether manipulative and often transparent.

Take, for example, a guy I knew who consistently talked about everything he was going to do, in a bend-over-backwards, too-good-to-be-true fashion. In the end, not only did he fail to deliver on his promises but he failed to even deliver on baseline standards. He wasn’t genuine—at least not genuine enough for it to transpire into follow-through. It’s no wonder people are rightfully very skeptical when someone comes on too strongly.

Instead, it’s about really looking for how an opportunity can bring value to both parties so the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

This has to be done in a sincere way—a way that means being willing to potentially concede some preferences if it means that the other party retains some of their preferences—whereby both sides get a deal about which they feel great. It’s the over-used and clichéd “win-win” but it’s real.

It might sound something like “I was looking for a venue that would be willing to look at options around a possible trade for advertising in exchange to a low- or no-charge room rental. Not sure if that would even be a good fit for you, might not be, but is it a conversation you’d be open to having?”

A couple things are happening here.

One is that it’s very no-pressure. The ideas to let the person know that you want to create a dialog (and why) and to be very open-ended about the outcome—even if said outcome is no deal. I once had a life-insurance guy try to sell me so hard and I knew there was no graceful way to get him to let me go. So I did what any backed-into-a-corner prospect would do, I avoided all of his calls. For months. Ask yourself, who won there?

A second thing is there are no surprises. Nothing is worse than when someone says, “I want to talk to you about X” and they sneak in “Y”. It’s an instant credibility-killer.  I had someone ask me (as a board member) to meet with them about the nonprofit I served. When I arrived at the meeting, they tried to sell me a multi-level marketing phone system. At worst, I felt Shanghai-ed. At best, it was disingenuous. And we’ve never  spoken since.

Be upfront with what you want, and how it *might* help them. But understand and communicate that you also know it might not be a fit—and that you are okay with that. Never over-sell or mislead.

Lastly, stress the conversation, not the outcome. To further confirm this at the start of the meeting I will stress that my feelings won’t be hurt if this doesn’t work out because I’m merely hoping for the opportunity to brainstorm. Too often we stress how we want things to end up which is the classic cart-before-the-horse. What’s worse is when the cart is before the horse, it’s incredibly difficult to steer.

Yes, we do want an ideal (particularly for us) outcome, but what we really want is someone who is relaxed enough to actually listen creatively and open-mindedly to what we have to say—and possibly even add more value. Stressing the conversation ensures that nobody feels too much pressure to live up to something they can’t provide or don’t have. When this happens, most people either ignore what’s being said or have already mentally declined before you show up.

Not good if you are trying want to make something happen.

Remember instead to use your words, tone and body language to make sure you keep your conversation free from unnecessary pressure or surprises. Convey flexibility and value while being unattached to the outcome. If you really want to get what you want, it starts with being open to helping someone get what they want.

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Feb 13 2014
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Prospect as if your life depends on it. Sell as if you couldn’t care less.

This has been one of the hardest lessons for me learn. Doing so is a tightrope walk somewhere between hustling relentlessly for sales survival and then flipping the switch in order to sit nonchalantly with a prospect and ask him the tough questions.

A minuscule lean toward detachment from the end result and I am spiraling into slacker-land. A slip toward the desperate desire to be in control and I am tippy-toeing delicately as not to offend. I surely can’t be the only one who has to negotiate the tricky art of controlling of my destiny and yet simultaneously letting go of each individual outcome.

One way to get better footing is to have a fat funnel. Having enough appointments on the books makes it so, so—SO—much easier to be relaxed. Knowing that it’s not your only chance to close a deal this week (or this month) can calm the nerves enough and allow you to stick to your system. Also, having a frequent number of appointments maintains momentum for solid technique.

In order to have a fat funnel you must identify your root leading indicators. Leading indicators are any of the activities that lead to the results that you want; not the results themselves. For me, the number of presentations I do is a leading indicator of appointments which is a leading indicator of sales. Go a layer or two back to identify your root leading indicators. Isolate the first set of crucial activities that have a direct correlation to sales results.

Finally, look for efficiencies once you have enough data to know what can be improved, increased, added or eliminated. Look for areas that might be time sucks. Look for ways in which you can improve your technique ever slightly to make big gains.

If you really do prospect this meticulously, it will be easier than you think to sell as if you don’t care—because you won’t.  You won’t care because your focus will have shifted away from what you can’t control (sales) to what you can control (your attitude, behaviors and techniques).

Sales are just a logical result of those things becoming fully aligned and refined.

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Feb 07 2014
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You Suck! (But, I promise that’s a good thing)

pacifier copyI’m not athletic. I’ve never been. I can remember as a child being so paralyzed by fear of sucking, and thus getting made fun of, that I would never try anything remotely athletic—not even lessons to help me suck less.

Fear of sucking, and getting made fun of (even behind our backs) prevents us from stepping outside of our comfort zone.

And not leaving that zone prevents us from doing the thing that will help us get better—at anything.

Yes, it’s true. You suck. You suck at all of the things you haven’t done yet. And you can avoid sucking by not doing anything new.

Or…

You can suck. A lot. And suck really badly. Often. And you can do that until you don’t suck anymore at that particular thing. But then you will (or at least should) have new goals and dreams, at which you will suck. Again.

The lesson here is if you aren’t sucking at something, right now, then you aren’t shooting high enough. Your dreams aren’t big enough.

And if you don’t get over—or at least figure out how to ignore—the fear of sucking, you won’t go for anything bigger than what you already are. And well, that sucks.

So bask in your suckiness. Because if you suck at something, it means you are growing. It means you are going after what you really want. It means you are willing to stretch and be uncomfortable for a chance at something better.

And only then will you find a life that doesn’t suck.

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Feb 06 2014
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Oops! I failed——again

ImageA while back I wrote a piece here about failure. While I like what I said about adapting and having guts and going beyond the limits we tend to set for ourselves, I really think I missed a biggy.

See, everything I talked about really has more to do with pre-failure. All those things are about putting yourself out there, and you might fail. But what I missed is what happens when you fail—or, technically, when you fail by everyone else’s standards.

That’s the problem, failure, by its very nature, is a box that we put ourselves in because of a set of standards that the world has created. For example, I had a website a while back and running it cost me more money than I generated in revenue. The world would say that’s a failure. I said that, too. I felt that.

But was it?
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Did I learn anything from it that I can use in my next venture? Did I meet anyone that is a new friend, resource, connection, mentor? Did I stretch myself in a way that I hadn’t before? Did I grow? Was there any takeaway from that experience? Yes. Yes, to every single one.

But, did I even bother to ask any of these questions? Nope. Nada. Not even once.

See, the real failure isn’t that I ran a bum website that didn’t do what I had envisioned it to do (both in volume and functionality). The real failure is I let that disappoint me and embarrass me. The real failure is that I failed to review, reevaluate and redesign—

Failure is a real thing. But the box that society or our friends or the even the bank puts us in is not really failure. The only thing we can fail at is failing to see how we’ve grown and letting it keep us from choosing to grow some more.

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Feb 04 2014
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Power Hour

ImageDo you want to do something big? Like really big? Maybe you have several things. That’s fine. We can work with that.

I’m going to introduce you to a concept called Power Hours. Maybe you’ve heard of it, or something like it. If not, that’s okay, too.

I’m going to tell you about what worked for me. You can try what I did. You can adapt it. You can try what I did then adapt it. It’ doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you do something.

And I’ll tell you why I did it so you can make an informed decision.

The concept, specifically my concept, of a Power Hour is three 20-minute segments two times per day (one in the morning and one in the evening). The reasons behind this are several:

1)      I have often said “I can do anything for 20 minutes.” This way, even the hardest of tasks have a bite-sized appeal.

2)      Having a morning Power Hour and an evening Power Hour is conducive to keeping goals at the forefront of your brain all day, and not getting cold by having a lengthy lapse.

3)      Completing two Power Hours per day actually works out to about 20 percent of your waking hours. If you are familiar with the Pareto Principle, then you understand the significance. If you are not familiar with the Pareto Principle, then stop now and read here.

4)      It’s hard to only have a single goal. This way, you can have six. Or at least several facets of a goal (for example, I did both yoga and cardio each for 20-minute segments; I read a general business book and industry specific information each for 20-minute segments).

5)      This works for professional goals, personal ones, or both.

6)      It can be adapted on days where you really are short on time. Some days I only completed one Power Hour with three segments. ImageSome days I completed all six segments but only for 10-minutes each. In my extreme resistance I would break down one 20-minute segment into four five-minute segments and splice them between the other segments. This helped me with fear, boredom, time obstacles, and other goal achieving saboteurs.

7)      But the biggest reason that this works  is because when you do a little of something daily you benefit from compound interest. Twenty minutes each day adds up to so much more than 140 minutes on only one day a week. It’s big. Especially over your lifetime.

For me, Power Hours are the answer to achieving a lot on a busy, working-mom’s chaotic schedule. I got more done and it had a profound impact on my attitude as well.

So can you do it? Is your goal worth creating a Power Hour of your own? How might you adapt what I do to fit you?

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Feb 03 2014
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Top Ten Networking Tips

1.)    Eat and drink less, meet and greet more (keep at least one hand free for shaking).

2.)    It’s not a social event, so don’t catch up with your friends.

3.)    Talk to at least three new people an hour.

4.)    Never open by talking about yourself.

5.)    Don’t sell; set the stage for a follow-up conversation.

6.)    Talk in terms of problems you fix, not benefits you add.

7.)    Ask a hook question that turns the conversation back to your connection.

8.)    Attempt to connect others; ask “who are you trying to meet?”

9.)    Add new connections immediately on LinkedIn ap.

10.)  Follow-up within 24-hours (or less).

Ask me questions or add your own tips @MarjorieDudley

Bonus Tips:

11.) Don’t assume people want your business card; wait until they ask. It shows less desperation and you might save a tree.

12.) Use time waiting in lines to your advantage. Say ‘hi’, ask what s/he does, find out what you shouldn’t miss. But for pete’s sake don’t play Words With Friends.

networking copy

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